The Magickal Pen

These past few months have been fraught with changes and the necessary assumption of new responsibilities and role.  I have now officially joined the ranks of adult children caring for elderly parents. The Power of Attorney is in place and from ere forward I am advocate and guardian of the one who many years ago loved, looked after and made sure I thrived.

I am sitting in the lounge area of the Skilled Nursing Facility my Mom is currently in; leaving her and my daughter to visit as I need a break from the overwhelming emotions.  I sit and look out at a young man standing in the rain as he helps his loved one into a car. Maybe for a day’s outing.  I see the frustration , the care, the concern in the eyes that are looking to find confirmation that the decisions they have  made for their loved one is right. My own memories flood in of looking at my Mom full of independent spirit and control. These memories now shattered by reflections of weakened gait, confused mind and a life now beyond her control.

The cycle of life continues on and guilt replaces the best intentioned efforts as our loved ones begin the cycle of needing more and more support.

We put on the face of composure, reassurance and strength.  We wear the mask of optimism hoping that the face looking trustfully back at us will not sense our disappointment at what care time and finances allow us to provide.

We face each challenge feeling the weight of our own expectations to conquer all obstacles and somehow even the victories offer no consolation to the deafening internal mantra of “I’m doing the best that I can“.

So, I put on my most convincing “it will be okay. You’ll like the new place where you’ll be living” face; walk back into my Mother’s room and hope that none will be the wiser to the sound of my breaking heart.